I don’t remember much of my childhood but I spent weeks recovering in Great Ormond Street in London and in my local hospital. I went from playing barbies to medical appointments, physiotherapy, medications, and leg splints all of which due to spasticity was very painful.

Once my recovery had plateaued, I began getting back to my life. I went back to school in my tiny red wheelchair. I was so desperate not to be different that I prioritised fitting in and not standing out. I just participated in every activity as much as I could. This served me well, in terms of completing ‘normal’ activities.. I learnt not to moan if I found things difficult, to just carry on and get on with it. In retrospect, I wish I could have been kinder to myself and understood that I didn’t have to achieve what the non-disabled children were. This created low self-esteem and feelings of sadness every time that I couldn’t meet those unrealistic expectations that I set for myself. A pattern which emerged throughout primary and secondary school education that I couldn’t recognise at the time.

School was brutal, a subtle storm of feeling so different and yet being held to the same standards as non-disabled children. I still don’t think I’m over the trauma of having to participate in fitness running or, the bleep test. I couldn’t walk properly for days after these things and I thought it was normal. I vividly remember being told off for mumbling my words, (which I now know is a common side effect of stroke). I had some lovely, kind friends at school and some of the best teaching assistants to help me with the physical things that I struggled to do but, of course I was teased and treated differently by some of my peers.

I also have lots of wonderful memories from school, however they are always tinged with sadness due to the lack of awareness and knowledge of stroke and disability. If the adults in my life and other children were able to fully understand what had happened to me and some of the side effects (beyond the physical ones) my experience would have been a very different one. If only I could go back and be kinder myself, to establish boundaries and spend more time working on my rehabilitation and less time trying to fit in, normal is boring anyway!