Friends After Stroke: Where Did They All Go?
This blog was written By Walt Kilcullen
“After my traumatic brain injury, many friends came to visit me in the hospital and in the rehab facility. But after a while, my friends were not around anymore. When my wife called them, they always had an excuse or made a vague promise to visit soon.”
“I had plenty of support in the hospital, but once I came home, the contact stopped. I haven’t seen any of them for years.”
“I lost most of my friends, maybe because I have aphasia and speaking is difficult. The few friends that I still have don’t understand the difficulties that I have and they don’t try to communicate with me.”
These are not direct quotes from anyone. They are typical, however, of some of the comments that I hear from stroke and traumatic brain injury survivors. For the last 18 years, I have been mentoring Sandy, a 57-year-old single mother of two. She had her stroke in 2001 and, at the time, I did not know her very well. The stroke left her with right arm and hand paralysis and weakness in her right leg. She is able to walk using a brace without help, but at a slow pace. She also has expressive aphasia which makes speaking very difficult.
When I first went to see her in the hospital, she had many visitors who introduced themselves as friends of Sandy. Six months later, when she came home, these friends and more, told me they intended to stick with her as life-long friends. As time went on, however, all of these friends disappeared. So I asked myself, “Where did they all go?”
Why do friends disappear in so many cases?
Keeping friends after a brain injury depends on many variables. How many friends did you have before? Are you living with your wife/husband/partner, your family or do you live alone? What are your disabilities after your brain injury?
I asked several survivors, caregivers, and professionals why they thought friends disappear after someone has a brain injury. Here is what they said:
Some friends are uncomfortable seeing a once strong person that is now suffering from a disability which is sometimes extreme. It might be similar to visiting a cancer patient that has little time to live. It is easier to avoid the discomfort. A brain injury alters a person’s life. It can change the survivor’s values, goals attitudes, and their ability to be involved with previously enjoyed activities. When these changes occur, whatever the survivor and friend had in common in the first place, may be lost after the brain injury. Sometimes, different emotions that are the result of brain injury, such as depression, unexplained crying, anger, apathy, etc., can make it difficult for the friend to remain a friend.
Sometimes it is just that friends have moved on in their lives. They get married, move away, have children; they are involved in their own activities, or their job becomes demanding. Perhaps they now have someone in their own family that needs their attention. The point is, they have moved on to life’s changes and the survivor may have not.
So what should you do if you, the survivor, would like to reconnect with old friends and establish new friends?
Call old friends: Even if married, having friends to do things with is very rewarding and it is important to give the caregiver a break. First, you must take on an attitude that says, “I can handle rejection and I will become an initiator.” Start out by trying to re-connect with old friends that you haven’t seen for a while and that you think you would like to see. You will know soon enough if they are interested or not. Remember, rejection is okay.
Facebook: Many people in your circumstances have found friendship on Facebook. Friends on Facebook do not provide the same type of friendship as an in-person friend, but it may be a supplement. You can accomplish the same thing by participating in a stroke or TBI chat site.
Different Strokes have an online support group that you can join HERE
Support Group: Another way to meet new friends is to join a support group. Invite someone from the group to have lunch, or better yet, start a once a week lunch group. You get to pick people that you think might be interested.
Different Strokes have support groups across the UK, find your nearest group HERE
Take a class in an adult night program or school that you can handle and would interest you. It is another opportunity to meet new people. The same can happen at a house of worship if you are so inclined.
The main message here is to get out and take the initiative. Don’t wait for people to contact you. The more you get involved with community groups and in groups with other brain-injured survivors, the more you can expand your social life.