10 Things Not to Say to a Younger Stroke Survivor (and What to Say Instead)
No one is perfect and I doubt anyone reading this (myself included) has moved through life without, at some point, saying something with good intentions that unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings.
But communication is everything.
That’s why we wanted to share some of the most common comments that younger stroke survivors hear and why they can be more hurtful than helpful.
We asked members of our younger stroke community:
“What is something that people say when they find out you’ve had a stroke that you wish they wouldn’t?”
Here’s what they had to say:
1. “You’re too young to have had a stroke.”
It might sound like a compliment, but for stroke survivors, it’s not.
This is one of the most common comments younger survivors hear, and it gets old fast.
The idea that stroke only happens to older people is factually wrong. Around 25% of strokes occur in people under 60, and strokes can even happen to babies in the womb.
This myth is not only untrue, it’s dangerous. A 2019 poll by Different Strokes and Consumer Intelligence found that 84% of people still believe stroke only affects the elderly. This stigma can lead to delayed diagnosis and stroke services that fail to meet the unique needs of younger survivors.
2. “You don’t look like you’ve had a stroke.”
What does a stroke survivor even look like?
Stroke can affect a person’s appearance – facial droop, weakness or paralysis, but not everyone experiences these visible symptoms.
Comments like this can also trigger huge self-esteem issues. And let’s not forget: the phrase “looking like you’re having a stroke” has often been used as an ableist insult in media and casual conversation.
3. “You’re not working hard enough to get better.”
Recovery is personal and different for everyone.
Most stroke survivors work incredibly hard every day to overcome challenges, often in ways that aren’t visible to others. But recovery isn’t linear. For some, progress plateaus and that’s okay.
Instead of judging, try being encouraging – or say nothing at all.
4. “Are you better now?”
Stroke is a brain injury. It’s not like a cold or virus you can just “get over”.
Some people do make quick recoveries, but for many, stroke has lifelong effects that require ongoing management. Even survivors who “look fine” may still experience severe symptoms, especially when tired.
5. “I relate because I get headaches and feel tired too.”
We get it – you’re trying to relate. But headaches and everyday tiredness are not the same as neuro-fatigue, which is one of the most debilitating long-term effects of stroke.
This kind of comparison often feels invalidating, even if well-intentioned.
6. “I know someone who had a stroke and they ran a marathon last week!”
Comparing survivors is unhelpful.
Every stroke is different. Recovery timelines vary, and achievements like returning to work or running marathons don’t reflect everyone’s reality.
7. “You always seem fine when you’re with me.”
Most people have an “outside self”. Many stroke survivors mask their struggles in public, saving their real exhaustion or pain for when they’re at home.
What you see socially is often the tip of the iceberg.
8. “It could have been worse! It must have been a mild stroke.”
There’s no such thing as a “mild” stroke for the person experiencing it.
Stroke is often traumatic and life-changing. And unless you’ve seen the scans and read the medical reports, it’s not your place to categorise it.
9. “You picked a bad/great time to have a stroke.”
No one chooses to have a stroke.
Even if you mean it as a joke, it often comes across as flippant and insensitive.
10. “Stroke victim.”
At Different Strokes, we prefer “stroke survivor” — it’s more empowering and positive.
But ultimately, it’s up to each individual to choose how they want to describe themselves. The best thing you can do? Follow their lead.
So… what should you say instead?
If you’re unsure what to say, here are some helpful alternatives:
- “Thanks for sharing that with me — how is your recovery going?”
- “Are you comfortable talking about it?”
- “Is there any way I can support you?”
- “Is there anything you want me to know?”
Remember: it’s okay to get it wrong. Just acknowledge it, apologise if needed, and try to do better next time.
